The Hardest Fairytale

Once upon a time…..

My life was dark, and grey. I was depressed, and felt hopeless about my future. I walked willing into many abusive relationships fully aware of the outcome each of those relationships would bring. Loneliness, self-loathing, and despair. 

I felt as if my life was just on a constant loop. Never having the opportunity to change for the better. The curtains would forever remain drawn, and light would never make its way in. 

Well that was until I met Çağrı. A Turkish citizen visiting the States to work for a year as a line cook. Intrigued by his worldly experiences, and passion for life I  was somewhat interested in at least getting to know him.  However, my constant loop was still in play, and I was more fascinated with the a truck driver who made me wait eagerly for his phone call that hardly ever came. I was smitten on another lost cause, because I felt that’s what I deserved.

Çağrı was ever so persisant on getting to know me, and I was only so eager to decline. Another guy, another heartache. One day, he somehow convinced me to meet him after he got off of work. Driving into downtown Cleveland, to meet some foreigner I’ve never met before was dangerous, and altogether stupid. However, I embraced the risk, because I simply didn’t care what could happen to me. Too weak to take my own life, but too willing to put my life at risk. 

I picked him up, and found that the only place open late was Denny’s. We spent a couple hours enjoying Denny’s cuisine, and discussing our cultures, and our countries. The date lasted beyond Denny’s and into the wee hours of Monday morning. We spent the entire time just talking… 

Still being hung up on the trucker, I ignored Çağrı’s calls. Until someone told me to take a chance on someone different. I made the habit of dating the same type of men, and I simply wasn’t giving the one who showed me kindness a chance. So I called Çağrı up, and he invited me over for dinner and to meet his roommate. 

After a lovely dinner, that he created on his own calling it “Mandi’s Dream”, he presented me with a cookbook. He explained that he is a chef by trade, but it is also his love and passion. That before he dropped everything to attend culinary school, he felt that his life was going nowhere. He wasn’t happy. Before handing me my very own cookbook he inscribed that first page with a message in Turkish. Which translates to “Eat Pray Love” love, Çağrı

I decided to date him from that point on knowing very well that this relationship would be doomed. He was set to leave in August, and he made in clear that he had no intentions of staying. However the relationship kept blossoming, and my life was being painted with vibrant colors. I was learning a new language, learning to cook, belly dance, and to finally laugh. 

Just the single thought of his inevitable departure would leave me in tears. He soon would become teary eyed when the topic was mentioned. Eventually resulting in us breaking up, because he felt it wasn’t fair to string me along when we were getting so close and he would be leaving in a matter of months. Then a few hours later, he asked to see me and said that he made a huge mistake. 

We spoke for hours once he got off of work. His eyes filled up with tears, and he explained why he let me go. He shared with me that he fell in love once, and that they were in fact engaged, but she passed away from cancer. He explained that he couldn’t find it in his heart to love someone that way again until met me. Çağrı wept, and then asked me something I thought I would never be asked in my life. He asked me to marry him! He explained that he knows that the whole thing is a bit unorthodox, but he can’t imagine spending his life without me. I accepted, and we both cried in each other’s arms.

Knowing full well that we would be facing an uphill battle we decided to forgo the tradiotnal wedding, and try to save money for a lawyer. We are going to marry this Thursday (March 19th) at the courthouse followed by a potluck with friends.

However this fairytale won’t end in happily ever after marriage. Despite the fact that we will be husband and wife the government can and will seperate us unless we can hire a lawyer and pay for application fees.  

I have a link for my GoFundMe page. We are trying to raise money for the legal and application fees, and start a life together.

The Dance: A Poem

Naked shame
It’s evidence smeared across the floor
The soul weakened and spread like butter over too much bread
Whore is the only word spoken inside her head
Silent tears cry out her heart’s desire
She yearns to be loved, to be held and to be admired
Scars displayed upon her skin of battles fought
Leaving remembrance of the happiness she sought but ultimately lost
When she dances the lovers dance her gaze stares off into the distance
Wanting to feel nothing for one moment in her sin
Trying to feel some resistance from
her pain, her sorrow, and her shame
For each time the dance is done
A part of her dies
Weakened by herself, and in her sin
It is her that she has come to despise

Behave Like a Lady!

Dear Reader,

I stumbled across of very interesting article on Facebook; that I am sure many of you have read. The article is about male dominance in speech, and how women are perceived in regards to speech. Here’s in the link to the article:

This one hit close to home. Primarily yes, because I’m a woman. It’s not only my sex that makes it such an important subject to me, but it’s my own personal experience with my family.

I’m the only daughter and granddaughter in my family. Boy am I treated differently!

Just last week these were the types of things I was told by family members.

“Does your boyfriend allow you to drink? Well, it must be nice to find someone who finds it acceptable for a woman to drink that much.”

There was also an instance at the dinner table. I was trying to say something, and a few of the men interrupted me. I noticeably became upset, and tried to make it known that I was speaking first. However I was told, “Ssh! Behave and let the guys speak.”

Other noticeable sexism at home is with between me and my brother. He would say things to me such as:

“Why do you even bother speaking?”

Of interrupt me and say, ” No one cares about what you’re talking about.”

Meanwhile his behavior was considered as humor, and I was overreacting for speaking up for myself.

I’ve always been a polite person, but I’ve also been very blunt, sarcastic, and very dominating in conversation. Sometimes my “confidence” as been taken the wrong way, but it is something that I’m proud of.

I am constantly reminded to behave like a lady. Though it upsets me when ever I’m “reminded”, but this article really made me think.

Next time I will simply respond, ” I am behaving like a lady. A lady who is confident, and is her own women. Who refuses to fit into society’s standards of what a woman should be.”

Ladies, please don’t allow yourself to fall into society’s norms of what a lady is suppose to be. Just be you! And if being you offends some people; then they’re not worth your time. Speak up and be heard!

Light and love,
❤ Blossoming Goddess20140705-135404-50044703.jpg

The Never Ending Battle of PCOS

Dear Reader,

I apologize that it’s been awhile. Between the hectic job schedule, and this stupid disease I simply have not had the time to take a moment to blog.

PCOS seems to have this control over me, and it’s endless list of symptoms are a daily struggle.

Mostly it’s the fatigue and the constant pain in my lady parts.

What is it? Polycystic ovarian Syndrome!!! Scary name for simply…
Hey you have these multiple cysts on your ovaries. You have a slim chance of having kids, and you will constantly struggle with your health and weight… Yay!!!

With this disease you actually have insulin resistance. Leading to high risk for diabetes.

Is there a cure? Depends on who you ask… I believe yes… Or at least it can be kept under control with a healthy diet and exercise.

Is there medication for it? Most doctors actually prescribe birth control aka the pill! Funny since I’m pretty infertile. They claim that it will help balance my imbalanced hormones. However the more research you find on “the pill” the more you find that it’s actually extremely bad for you. So I stopped taking it.

Basically this whole disease thing is pretty lame, and trying to find the strength to maintain a healthy lifestyle is an on going challenge.

Even though each day I feel like I’m losing this battle; I refuse to give up! So I’ve decided to create a group page on Facebook that caters to women with this disease and diabetes.

Ladies who have either PCOS or diabetes know that everyday is a struggle, and a little support from someone who is fighting the same battle can go along way.

If any of you ladies who are struggling with PCOS or Diabetes….or even suffering health problems because of your weight. I graciously invite you to join my group. Let’s support one another. Let us be a sisterhood that is willing to fight for our health and happiness together!!!
Link is below: (might need to copy and paste link)

If the link doesn’t work please let me know. I’m passionate about making this group happen.

Much light and love!
❤ Blossoming Goddess

Read Life’s Fine Print

Dear Reader,

You’re probably like me…. Obsessed with your cell phone! And you impatiently wait every two years, just like me, to upgrade your phone for the newest model. Well this week was the week of my trade in.

I was beyond excited to browse what new iPhones were available. Just the thought alone of having a phone with Siri was excitement enough! Eagerly looking for my new pride and joy while I troubled with my issue of a two year commitment. Let’s face it… Two years seems like entirety when it comes to the latest technology. Every month or so something new comes out into the market.

But there she was! All white with gold trim… The 5 s!!! She was perfect and I wanted her. I bought her and left the store happy as can be.

Our new courtship was going very well and it seemed as if our two year relationship would work out. But then a data text came from my carrier saying that I used up 75% of my data usage… In two days!! Very odd but instinct told me to look at my receipt and there I noticed it… The fine print…the details of the new Edge installment plan. I blindly allowed the sales associate to sign me up into a new phone leasing program. Never did she explain what I was signing up for, and I was freaking out!

With the help of a couple friends giving me some encouragement of how to handle the situation I was ready to go back to the store and clear things up.

The sales associate was spoken to for her mistake, and we’re all human…. It happens.
The manager broke it down for me with what I was paying for, and honestly it’s a pretty decent deal.

Things worked out and I’m very pleased with the outcome.

What’s the lesson?

Don’t allow yourself to be blinded by your emotions. I was too excited to even care to ask more questions about the phone I wanted besides what cool cases and accessories should I buy with it. Seek out the details and the truth about any situation. This could even be applied to gossip… Really anything! Get your facts straight, and don’t allow your emotions to make all your decisions for you ;-).

Much light and love,
❤ Blossoming Goddess

Something Personal

Dear Reader,
A second post for today, because it only feels right to just let this all out for the betterment of myself.

You’re a good friend for reading this though I am probably writing this to an empty audience lol. However this is for me.

A lot of mixed emotions about the passing of man who by blood was my grandfather, but by love he was not. No point into digging deeper as to why I feel that way. My reasons are valid in my opinion, but it doesn’t make the pain hurt any less.

I feel for his loved ones that had to say goodbye, and some jealously also brews inside me as family from a great distance pay their respect through Facebook statuses. He must of been close to them, but what about the forgotten ones?

Should he really be to blame? When I sit here thinking deeper upon this issue, and try to make sense of it all I come to find myself believing he is not to blame. I can only speak for myself, and not for my brother. But I feel that my grandfather and the rest of that side of the family never got to know the real us.

They knew of my existence and for a time growing up I would visit. Although these visits were tainted and in no way to be cherished as fond memories. This family of great divide that was probably provoked by my mother’s mental illness. She painted a picture of her daughter as a violent and worthless child when she was nothing of the sort.

A family divided, and ultimately broken. Leaving the forgotten ones in a world of confusion. Where do me and my brother fit in? Although we are now grown, I cannot help to believe that it was us children who are the ones to blame.

Yes Dear Reader this is of course irrational thinking, but there is that feeling of worthlessness that will creep up now and again. Why weren’t we good enough? Did you love us? What did we do wrong?

I selfishly wondered often if anyone on that side of the family thought of us; as I think of them.

It’s too late now to try and find some closure from a man who hardly knew me.

I wish however I had one good memory to share with you, or even just to keep to myself. But I don’t. I try my best to look beyond those memories, because dwelling on them becomes destructive.

Now, what do I do with the time I have left? Death may have taken him, and closure cannot be found, but its not too late to find some sort of healing. My mother by birth, and to be frank I generally call her by her first time when she is brought up in conversation. Mom is a titled that is deserved in my opinion…

She is still alive, and mourns with cluelessness as to why I had to say goodbye years ago. I said mygoodbyes to save my life, because such a toxic relationship was killing me inside.

However, her tears and doubt trouble my brother who begs me to get over my hurt and make amends for his sake. I simply cannot create a loving relationship with someone where there isn’t any love. It’s like planting a seed in the soil of a polluted land hoping it would grow. It just won’t. However with some advisement I plan on writing her a letter of forgiveness, of closure, but also making it clear that I cannot make the efforts to build a relationship.

18 years you were given that chance to love me, and within those 18 years you threw it all away.

Another lesson: Forgiveness is a cure for healing. Never regret the time that is lost, but take advantage of what time you do have. Also, family is not made from blood, but from love. So please no pity. I have plenty of love and family to fill a heart full of happiness for the rest of my days.

Light and love,
❤ Blossoming Goddess

Polite Society is Dying, but There’s a Cure!

Dear Reader,

I work, like most of us do, in the customer service field. What I do exactly will not be posted on this blog. As stressful environment it can be at times,but I actually enjoy it. I enjoy making strangers laugh, and sparking up that random conversation with a patron. With working in customer service you can come to expect that you will face your occasional asshole or two.

Let’s face it. The world is filled with assholes, but that doesn’t mean you and I have to be one them. What I am noticing is a growing epidemic of people forgetting their manners, and the overall importance of showing simple acts of kindness to their fellow man.

Take a moment please. Just take a step back, and think how you might of interacted with the cashier at your local burger joint, or the elderly passenger who couldn’t find a seat on the bus that you took to work this morning. Were you kind? Were you thoughtful?

When you really take a moment to think about it you probably weren’t. You were probably too busy checking your Facebook on your smart phone, or rushing to get to work to even notice those around you. We’ve all done it. So let’s be honest with ourselves, and think how this behavior is wrong.

If you’re at your local coffee shop ordering you no foam latte, do you think it would be considerate to get off of your phone for just a moment to give the person who is making your drink a nice greeting?

You’re riding the bus to work, and you’re lucky enough to have a seat, but there aren’t any left for any new passengers. However, an elderly gentleman hops on and has to stand. Did you at least think about giving him your seat? Your young, and healthy enough to stand throughout your ride.

We have become so busy with our own lives, and our cell phones that we forgot how to treat one another. I’m not saying greet everyone you see on the street, but the simple kind gesture of holding the door for someone goes a long way. Perhaps helping someone who is struggling with their groceries by offering them your help. Kindness is contagious, and you should spread it. Not only will you make the other person feel good, but you will feel amazing as well.

Parents! I know you can honestly say that you strive to teach your children the importance of manners, and overall good behavior. Do you do so by simply telling them to behave a certain way, or by modeling that good behavior?

“Tessa tell mommy thank you for buying you that ice cream.”

I’m sure you have said something similar to this to your child. I know the attempt to teach them good manners is there, but telling them to say please, and thank you becomes almost meaningless. They’re just words. Moms and dads out there! Let me ask you if you said “thank you” to the woman behind the counter at Wendy’s, or did you just say “Gimme the burger with fries?” Be honest with yourself.

No one’s perfect, and we’ve all made mistakes. I’m just suggesting that we take a look at what our priorities are. What’s more important…Checking your Facebook while you sit on the bus, or letting that elderly man have your seat?

Today’s Lesson: Ask yourself have you been thoughtful? Have you been kind? Time to put that iPhone down, and make kindness and manners a top priority.

If you enjoyed this post then please check out some actual studies done about kindness. There have been a few studies that have been done that prove that kindness is good for your health and over all well being! How cool is that?!?!